'True Blood' Season 4 Premiere, 'She's Not There': TV Recap

Not two minutes after arriving in a whimsical fairy land inhabited by glowing fruit and scantily-clad residents, Sookie Stackhouse, tells her fairy godmother she sucks. She has a point. Poor Sookie could have used some looking after in her hard knocks life back in Bon Temps.

The glowing land, which looks more like an orgy in San Fernando Valley than an angelic Neverland (this is “True Blood” after all), picks up right where the third season left off with a distraught Sookie discovering she’s a fairy and being carried away. The ever-friendly Sookie quickly runs into old friends in this colorful campy land. Look it’s Barry the bellboy from the Hotel Carmilla! (Also known as the Dallas hotel on whose rooftop the 2,000-year-old Godric burst into flames.) In classic “True Blood” fashion Barry is accompanied by a fairy godfather named Lloyd whose sole purpose appears to be showing off his perfectly chiseled abs (no complaints here).

Look who’s picking a juicy light fruit: Granddaddy Earl, a dashing Southerner in a flannel shirt who doesn’t look very granddaddy-ish. That’s because time stands still in fairy land. He thinks it’s still 20 years ago when Sookie was a wide-eyed, mind-reading chip off the old block.

Just after the opening credits roll (I have to admit, this show is worth watching just for the credits. It’s been far too long since I’ve heard “I wanna do bad things to you”), things start to go wicked in fairy land. Thanks to her mind reading skills (which aren’t so unique in fairy land) Sookie senses that something’s not right in paradise and refuses to eat the glowing lumier fruit, which admittedly looks pretty darn tasty. I’d probably trade my sanity for a bite, too. An evil fairy queen warns Sookie that she put the entire fairy race in peril by giving so much of her blood to vampires. Before you can say CGI, a couple scary goblins appear and the fairy world transforms into a veritable no-man’s land. No, you didn’t accidentally change the channel to “The Walking Dead,” apparently fairies look more like zombies when you make them mad.

A couple friendly pointy-eared fairies tell Sookie to dive into a time portal. As soon as she and Gramps Earl jump off a cliff into the portal, they’re spit out in the Bon Temps cemetery best known as the scene of one of the dirtiest (literally) sex scenes on TV from season one (you know what I’m talking about). Vampires Bill and Eric immediately open their eyes upon the return of the tasty Sookie looking unfrazzled in her floral sundress. But granddaddy isn’t fairing as well. He ate the fruit and is therefore not suited for human existence anymore. He blows away in a puff of smoke leaving behind an old heirloom watch for Jason who is now a policeman.

Truth Doesn't Make A Noise: Godmother Duties

I sat for my best friend K a few days ago 'cuz she was home alone with only her younger bro Jet and baby S and she had to go somewhere, the busy bee that she is. At first I was hesitant to be left alone with S 'cause I've never been alone with a baby before and I seriously panic when babies cry and you just don't know what to fucking do. Before she left, though, I had already put little S to sleep while she cleaned his feeding bottles and did some chores. I really hated their M.I.A. maid that day 'cause I could see how stressed and exhausted K was. When K left the house I was feeling a little bit confident 'cause S just slept and therefore wouldn't be waking up anytime soon. We were just lying there on the bed, S sleeping like an angel and I, watching How I Met Your Mother on cable and drinking Coke when Jet went out of his room practically shouting, saying he couldn't contact his mom. I had to shush him, tell him to keep his voice down 'cause S was sleeping. He wouldn't. I wanted to cry. S did wake up 'cause Jet was loud, so I sat bolt upright, panicked a little and started to tap him back to sleep. It was already over an hour when K texted me telling she was already on her way back. A little less than ten minutes later S woke up, crying the way babies do when they get nightmares, and K hasn't arrived yet. All I could think of was gaaaaaaah. I made him another bottle of milk, all the while telling him, it's OK baby keep it down, it's alright, OK, I got you, it's OK, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry now, don't cry.. 'cause I'm gonna fucking cry now too, I wanted to add. He wouldn't stop, though. Good thing K arrived before I even finished making him milk. I could only heave a sigh of relief and plop back, spread-eagled, into bed. By 6PM we gave S a bath. Life milestone: that was the firs time I washed another person's ass. S's ass, of course. Imagine my shock when K, who was the one holding S, asked me wipe S's ass (read: butthole, not buttcheeks) squeaky clean—with my bare hands, of course. Of course I had to, right? I told her, "You know this is the first time I'm touching someone else's ass." She said, "That's OK, it's a baby's so it's still cute." Just how is an ass cute? A baby's or an adult's, the same shit pass there. When K had to cook dinner I was left alone with S again, so we watched That 70's Show in bed together.

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